Reader Mail: Timmy's Book, The Preacher's Daughter, Paris Hilton, Party Poker Gear, and Mr. Kotter.

Yes, it's time for another edition of Reader Mail. These are some selections from the hundred or so pieces of email I get every week from fans, stalkers, fellow bloggers, and that fuckin' asshole in Botswana that insists I help him get his $10 million inheritance out of the grasps from evil war lords. So let's begin...

Dear Dr. Pauly,

It's Timmy again. Thanks for hooking me up with $50 so I can play on Party Poker. I hope I can make it last a few weeks. I'm still crushing the poker games we have at lunch and recess. I know you are a writer and I want your help. I want to write a book called "A Fourth Graders Guide to Poker." Can you help me out? Do you have contacts in the publishing industry? How long will it take for me to write a book? Any advice will be helpful.

Thanks,
Timmy, Pensacola, FL

Dear Timmy,

I encourage you to write a book. Why the fuck not? Everyone who plays poker these days has a blog. And it's inevitable that every idiot with a poker blog will think he's good enough to write a poker book. So join the club. The world needs more poker books and we can definitely use 100 more blogs before Paris Hilton's birthday. I can tell you your book will be better than Phil Hellmuth's book, so go for it!

The Barnes Nobles I frequent, ok, I'm actually stalking this really cute girl who works in the children's book section... she's a slimmer version of Kate Winslet and she always smiles when I walk past her.... anyway, a year ago the Poker Book section was just one shelf. Now, two full book cases (which I am sure are taller than you) house dozens and dozens of poker books and they even have a special display in the front of the store devoted to poker books! The suits at B&N actually knocked those damn pink chick lit books out of the hotspot in the store. Who would have thunk it!

Actually I am in the process of securing the filming rights to HDouble and Iggy's e-book Poker Tracker Guide: Revenge of the Fish. I'm writing the screenplay as we speak. The Poker Geek is going to direct. I'd like to get Wil Wheaton to bulk up to play the part of HDouble. Unfortunately, Patrick Swayze is asking for too much moolah to play Iggy. Oh well, that's fuckin' Hollyweird for ya. Best of luck with your book and surviving grammar school. Remember don't take shit from nobody, kid.

Thanks for reading,
Pauly

*****

Dear Pauly,

What did you think about the first episode of the season for the World Poker Tour with Gabe Kaplan a.k.a. Welcome Back Kotter making the final table? Who do you think is the best celebrity poker player?

Jasmine, Berkeley, CA

Dear Jasmine,

How you doing? I caught the episode on Wednesday with Derek. Too bad Gabe Kaplan folded some decent hands a few times. But you know, in my eyes, Gabe Kaplan will always be Coach Greene, the former deli-worker who quits his job to coach a tiny college in the Southwest and he brings an eclectic bunch of NYC hoopsters with him in Fast Break (1979)... one of my favorite basketball movies (and all-time sports flicks). Who cares about Mr. Kotter and the Sweathogs? One of the greatest moment in cinema history had to be the scene where Gabe Kaplan drove his players (including NBA star and my favorite NY Knick of all time Bernard King) cross country with him. One of them was a pothead thug who had the biggest bag of marijuana I've ever seen. They all thought they were getting pulled over by a Southern cop. The quick thinking Coach Greene (Kaplan) told his players to start eating the marijuana to swallow the evidence! The cop car was actually chasing someone else, so they were stuffing their faces for no reason whatsoever. I wish I could get the screen cap of Gabe Kaplan with a fist full of schwag in his mouth.

On to your second question, I dunno who is the best celebrity poker player. James Woods isn't bad from what I hear. Ben Affleck was paying big bucks to get lessons from Annie Duke and he won the Cali state champs. Tobey Maguire is pretty good. But I hear that Travis Tritt is no slouch either.

Thanks for reading,
Pauly

*****

Hey Pauly,

What have you been doing with your Party Poker Player's Club Points?

Steve, Guilford, CT

Dear Steve,

I'm waiting for the Hawaiian Shirt to come back in stock. I can't think of a better way to piss away 3000 points than to get a crappy shirt with the Party Poker logo on it. Actually, I have like 7,000 points and I used a bunch to get a hat, a visor, and a shirt. I can't think of a better way to pick up a chick in New York City, then to wear my Party Poker shirt to a hipster bar on the Lower East Side.

"Are you a poker player?" she asked over the hum of Iceland's hottest techno music that blasted throughout the lounge as she seductively began rubbing my chest, taking time to run her fingers over the Party Poker logo.

"No," I whispered, "But I play one on TV."

Thanks for reading,
Pauly

*****

Dear Pauly,

Long time reader, first time emailer. I live in the South and I am dating a wonderful girl. We've been going out for two years and I want to ask her to marry me. Here's the problem; her family is deeply religious. Her father is a pastor at the local Baptist church and they frown upon gambling. I work part-time construction but I make twice as much more money playing online poker. In fact, I was able to buy her a ring with my Poker Stars winnings (I took second in a multi and won a few thousand). Obviously, my girlfriend has no idea I play this much poker. She thinks I play once a week with friends from high school, but that's it. What should I do?

Peter James, Athens, GA

Hey Peter,

A good friend of mine one said, "Never trust a guy with two first names." Anyway, my advice to you is this... dump your girlfriend and move to a Blue state. The girls there are much more liberal and less God-fearing. If you are as good as you claim you are... then you should have no problem playing online in a different city and finding the right girl for you. Believe me, there are a ton of atheists and gold diggers up north and out west who are looking for sane guys with potential to make a lot of cash. Best of luck with the Preacher's daughter.

Thanks for reading,
Pauly

*****

Pauly,

I was surprised to discover that your name was not in Paris Hilton's hijacked Sidekick!

April, Austin, TX

April,

Man, I would never want to be linked to a group of B and C-list celebrities. Ashlee Simpson? Bijoux Philips? Mark Phillipoussis? Elijah Blue (Greg Allman's kid with Cher)? Then again, if you hack my cellphone you'll find such internet celebrity names like: Boy Genius, Al Cant Hang, Iggy, Grubby, The Poker Prof, Bad Blood and Otis.

Thanks for reading,
Pauly


Me and the girls.
That's it for now. Have a good weekend everyone. I'll be on Party Poker working off my bonus. See you at the tables.