More Existentialist Conversations with Strippers: Crazy Horse & Sapphire

"Eroticism is like a dance: one always leads the other." - Milan Kundera

A couple of weeks ago, less than 24 hours after the WSOP ended, Grubby and I made a late night run to Crazy Horse 2 or "Too" is how I think it's spelled. Anyway, I was wicked wasted. Extremely inebriated. Shithoused slammed. That's probably not the best state of mind to stumble into a strip club, but that's what happened. I wish I could have a better recap of that night, but the moments were a blur. At some point, all strip club experiences blend together, especially when it happens way past 3am under a wet towel of liquor.

I was knocking back SoCo's on the rocks and Grubby said that I did not turn one stripper down during that visit. He was on a budget that night, down to his last $100 after a bad day at the craps tables and in the poker room at the Mirage, so he was super selective. I recalled that one chick looked like Daryl Hannah (the current botox and collagen injected version). She had horrible breath and kept blowing in my face. I never wanted a lap dance to end faster.

I recall a Brazilian beauty with breasts the size of pumpkins kept pressing me to head to the VIP room. I know that's a sucker bet and told her, "No way."

Grubby befriended a Kansas girl. I forgot what her face looked like but he described her as a girl-next-door type who resembled Avril LaVigne. He told me I needed to get a dance from her. She did some weird thing with her supple mouth and it vibrated when she ran her face over my crotch. I loved that tingling sensation. It gave me goosebumps.

I vaguely recall the lesbian duo. I know I got them for two dances and they took turns grinding on me while they kissed each other and grabbed my junk. I purchased a lesbian duo at Spearmint Rhino last week, and they weren't as good as the feral couple at Crazy Horse. I guess I give off that vibe, "That guy likes two chicks at once." And right away a menagerie of strippers would swoop in towards me fully prepared to vacuum $20 bills out of my pocket.

Supposedly (according to Grubby's blog), I said something to one stripper after she gave me a lap dance, "You're a true artist. And you know this." And yes that makes another Top 5 list.

Top 5 Lines I Say to Strippers...
1. "You're a true artist."
2. "I love your shoes."
3. "You have amazing skin. So smooth and so silky."
4. "You're the most beautiful dancer here."
5. "You're a deadly combination: smart and hot."

OK, so most of those are flat out bluffs. But even strippers like to be complimented every now and then. I have often recycled #2 and #5 on my regular list of Top 5 Lines I Use to Pick Up College Girls. Never underestimate the importance of complimenting a female on her shoes. Even if she's wearing flip flops, always tell her you like her choice in foot wear.

Flashback to last Friday night.

When Senor, Grubby, and I stood in the middle of New York New York trying to figure out what to do for Senor's last night in Las Vegas, Grubby laughed when he said, "We're only doing one thing."

That of course was... going to a strip club. The next decision to be made was... where? Grubby suggested Sapphire, the largest strip club in Las Vegas. Before we ventured off to blow my poker bankroll on naked ladies, we walked upstairs to the arcade. Grubby wanted to gamble on video games. He's an action junkie. We fucked up the horse racing video game and couldn't all play at once. We settled on skee-ball specifically a version of basketball where you get points based on what hoop your ball goes into. We were playing $5 a game. The losers gave the winner $5. So if you won the round, you'd pocket $10. Grubby won the first. Senor won the second and I had an incredible run and took the third round. We all broke even.

Off we went to Sapphire and Grubby was bummed out that they only gave him a $10 discount for being a Las Vegas resident. Usually he gets in for free. The hallway leading from the entrance to the actual strip club is cluttered with all types of art... mostly paintings and bonze sculptures of female torsos with erect nipples.

We were seated and it took forever for our waitress to bring us drinks. Sapphire reminded me of an airplane hangar with a stage, a few stripper poles, and plenty of loud music. Strippers naturally love Grubby and Asian strippers really, really love Grubby. He's a magnet for them.

I turned down the first girl who came up to me, on principle, and wanted to show my friends that I had some self-discipline in a strip club. The real reason was that my drink had not arrived. As soon as I downed my first, a brunette beauty made her way towards me. She reminded me of Summer from The OC and was severely curvaceous. I kept repeating, "I love your curves." And that seemed to get her going.

Senor pointed out to an Asian stripper in the corner wearing all white and said that was the only one he wanted. A few minutes later, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I thought that was the girl Senor liked. It ended up not being her, but at the time I was convinced it was her. Anyway, I told her that my friend loves Asian women and that I would like to buy him a lap dance from her. Unfortunately, Senor was already being entertained. She sat down on my lap and we chatted. It turns out she's from Thailand, which is where Senor's wife is from.

"He's gonna love you," I joked. "He even speaks Thai!"

"How do you two know each other?" she asked.

"We went to Harvard together. I live here now and he lives in Rhode Island."

"Ewww! I went to Rhode Island once for two weeks. I hated it."

"Just don't tell him that!"

She couldn't wait to get her hands on Senor. But then a rarity occurred, Senor got a second dance in a row from his stripper. That never happens! I felt bad for the Thai stripper on my lap. She asked me if I wanted a dance.

"I'd feel bad if I got you before my buddy, but since he's busy, how I could I turn down a dance from the most beautiful stripper in here?" (Note... Line #4.)

She started and she was fantastic. At the same time, a leggy Asian beauty made her way over to Grubby. We all had simultaneous lap dances. As I ran my hands over the Thai girl's body, I blurted out, "I love your skin. It's so smooth and silky!" (Note... Line #3.)

She giggled and grinded a little hard. That's when I said, "You're a true artist!" (Note... Line #1.)

Finally Senor was done with his double-dip and as my Thai girl put her clothes back on, I slipped her enough money to pay for my dance and one for Senor. I looked her in the eyes and said, "You're a deadly combination: hot and smart!" (Note... Line #5.)

She laughed again. I didn't bust out the "shoes line", mainly because I never looked down at her feet and more importantly, you should never say more than two of those lines with one girl. I broke that rule and used four!

Senor enjoyed himself with the hot Thai girl and she hung out with him for an hour it seemed. Her roommate was the stripper who was grabbing and twisting Grubby's nipples for several songs and she eventually made her way towards me. She kept whispering in my ear that she wanted to go into the VIP room with me, Senor and the Thai girl. I suggested the Redneck Riviera after the ended their shift. She persisted on the VIP room. I hate the "hard sell" you get from strippers especially in the middle of the lap dance. It's like seeing a commercial in the middle of a movie. It's uncalled for. Anyway, I told her that she wasn't good enough to get me back in the VIP room. She responded by grinding a little harder and grabbing my junk with more frequency. That was enough to get another dance out of me, but I refused to head to the VIP area.

Before the night ended, a cute blonde who looked like Elisha Cuthbert made her way to me. She was the girl I had been waiting for. She had an sexy accent. She was from the Czech Republic and had an infectious smile. She sat on my lap for a few minutes and we got to know each other before her dance. Before she sat down and began rubbing my chest, I knew I was getting at least two from her. When she told me where she grew up, near Prague, I mentioned how I loved reading Milan Kundera. She quickly joined in the conversation and discussed several of her favorite books from one of my literary heros.

"Sometimes, his stories are so strange. It make you think about life."

Strippers who think and talk about books are such a turn on. She smiled and winked at me as I lost myself and all concept of the universe for seven and a half minutes.

"Sometimes," she whispered as she took off her Victoria's secret lacey bra and threw it on my head, "Sometimes there is no meaning to life. It just is."

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You should be reading... Jason Spaceman's Catching the Antichrist and -EV's blog A Fool and His Money.