Razz with Felicia, Party Poker Bonuses, and Slappy the Wonder Chimp

"Blame it on a simple twist of fate." - Bob Dylan

March 3rd @ 11:11pm EST... I found myself at a blogger table on Party Poker, working off my bonus. Helix, F Train, Daddy, Joanne, Donkey Puncher, The Poker Penguin, Rod, Drizz, Lacerated Cards, and The Poker Nerd all sat at my table during the session late night session. They saw me crack AA with Pocket Hellmuths.

March 4 @ 2:03am EST... Played a $25 turbo SNG on Poker Stars. With 87s in the big blind, I flopped an open ended straight flush draw with a 6s9sQs board. Three people had moved all in on the turn when an ace hit. I shrugged my shoulders and called against QQ, 66, and AsAx. Who said online poker is rigged? I didn't get my straight flush, but I took down a monster pot with an 8 high flush. I'm lucky a fourth spade didn't spike on the turn. Man, I've never cracked aces and the Hilton Sisters in the same hand! By the way, I bubbled out in 4th when I tried to steal the blinds with JJ UTG and ran into those nasty Hiltons.

March 5 @ 1:30am EST... I funded my Full Tilt account and was the first player to sign up for the WPBT H.O.R.S.E event. I played in a free roll to get a feel for the software. I picked a cool avatar and was ready to play on a new site. The first hand of the tourney went like this. UTG limped in. I raised at the cutoff with AKo. The blinds were 15/30 and I made it 125. UTG called. The Flop: A-J-2 with two spades. He checked and I bet 2x the pot. He called. A king fell on the turn. He checked and I pushed all-in. He called. The river was a J. He turned over AJo. Ouch. I've never been knocked out on the first hand of a multi before! I imagined the boys in Vegas laughing there asses off watching that hand. "Welcome to Full Tilt, Dr. Pauly. Let's start off right with a swift kick to your testicular region."

March 5 @ 12:22pm EST... Back to clearing my bonus on Party Poker. Played $25 NL ring game with UWannaBet. I witnessed one of the strangest hands ever on Party Poker. UTG limped, I raised in MP with pocket 10s. The LB pushed all in. UTG called. Both guys had me covered. Shit, I had to put one of them on a higher pocket pair and folded. It was AA vs AK. The flop: 2-2-2. The turn: 8. The river: 2. Chop chop! The guy with aces was wicked pissed. Boy, I was glad I folded 10-10. In the background, listened to a cool CD that BG was kind of enough to send me Wes Montgomery with the Wynton Kelly Trio's session Smokin at the Half Note. That's some happenin shit there, man.

March 5 @ 12:31pm EST... Chad and -EV joined my table. We had a rare afternoon blogger table. I had a flavorful mix of jazz (John Coltrane with Thelonious Monk) and reggae (Toots & the Maytals featuring Trey Anastasio) going all afternoon. A few hours later Archetype and Rod joined the mix.

March 6 @ 10:14am EST... Drop the Hammer sat down at my NL table on Party Poker during the last few hands I played to clear my bonus. I won a big hand with ATs and cleared my bonus up a few bucks. Last month, I emptied my Empire account and only left my bonus and whatever money I won trying to clear it in my account. I blew it all and ended up with nothing. I decided to cash out my bonus right away on Party Poker and put that towards my sportsbook bankroll for March Madness.

March 6 @ 11:21pm EST... $50 NL table on Party Poker with -EV, Sir Waffle and Chris Halverson. They watched me lose my entire stack. I limped in UTG with 55. The flop: 5-8-Q. I check-called the flop. When another Q hit the turn, I check-raised all-in. The guy with 88 was happy to call. Ouch. I never saw that coming. Instead of reloading quickly, I walked away.

March 7 @ 11:56am EST... I added a few bucks in my Empire account so I can play multi table tournaments. I bought into a $10 + 1 NL. I cashed in 11th and missed the final table by one. I folded hand after hand for hours and picked off a few bluffs to build up a decent sized stack. I always doubled up just at the right times. I went heads up with the big stack at my table. My AK lost to KJ. His dues ex machina delivered a Jack on the river. I felt like Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars: Episode IV when he had Luke Skywalker in his sights and Han Solo came out of nowhere and sent his ass spinning off into deep space. Vader knew he had Skywalker just where he wanted him. Especially after the overconfident kid turned off his fighter's computer navigated weapons systems and trusted some hippie bullshit that he learned for the Ben Kenobi while smoking some high quality Tatooie Hashish in the bathroom of the wild Cantina, you know the place I'm talking about. That's where Greedo foolishly shot at Han Solo first and missed from point blank range. Sorry for the Star Wars tangent... that one was for The Poker Geek.


March 7 @ 11:01pm EST... Fired up Full Tilt and signed up for their $5 Razz tourney. 78 players. Felicia played too and we were seated at the same table. I won the first hand with 4-2/3-6-7. I lost a big hand with 3-5/A-8-2 to a guy with 7 high.

March 7 @ 11:43pm EST... I moved to a new table with Chad sweating me while I tried to explain to him a 3 second introduction to Razz. Shortstacked, I doubled up when I moved all in with 9-A/3 trying to steal the blinds and antes. I survived to the break... 34th out of 50. Felicia had gotten knocked out just before the break. I saw her play exactly one hand at my table and she won it.

March 8 @ 12:13am EST... Chad crashed and Joanne sweated me for the last bit. I won a quick hand with 4-5/A. Then I doubled up with A-2/5-10-3-8/6 against 10-7/A-2-4-9/A. Big hand. I wish I could tell you if I played that right or wrong. I just chalk it up to pure luck. Right? With over T4100 I moved up into 10th place. Top 16 paid and I was close to cashing in my first MTT on Full Tilt.

March 8 @ 12:55am EST... Listened to a Widespread Panic bootleg from Boulder, Colorado while my stack dwindled after I folded hand after hand. I can't tell you how many times I got A-K/A or K-K/A or that combination. At least four times? I've never get those hands when I play Seven-card Stud! I came in 27th place and missed the money by 9 spots. Damn. That sucked. At least I have a feel for Full Tilt's multi structure and a little refresher course with Razz. I haven't played Razz in months. F Train and Coach like to call it when we play at the Blue Parrot.

March 8 @ 1:31pm EST... Swimming in the lukewarm waters on Party Poker. Do you wanna know why the waters are warm on Party Poker? Because sometimes, the fish pee in the ocean too.

I played in a multi... a $10 + 1 Million Dollar Qualifier. I'm back to playing at least one or two of those a week. I like my chances in MTT with 125-175 people. For some reason I play my best poker in those sized tournaments on Party Poker. With 170 entrants, I felt confident I could win one of the two seats they were giving away to the $600 + 40 tournament.

March 8 @ 2:39pm EST... Joanne sweated me for most of the way. Just before my table broke up, I doubled up with AK vs A7s. At my new table, I had KK on the button and pushed all in when four people limped in front of me. One called with pocket 10s and I doubled up. I got zero action with the Hilton Sisters. I couldn't even "cop a feel." I found AA twice and no action either. With T4450 I was 10th out of 64 players by the first break and on schedule to make the final table.

I decided that a monkey could play my hands. Fold. Fold. Fold. Wait for KK or AA and push. If could score one of those chimps, I'd be set for life. Perhaps I could persuade some hippie girls to break into Yerkes Primate Lab and free a few chimps... so I can teach them how to play online poker. Fuck the bots. To hell with the fish. Beware of the Party Chimps! Plus chimps are cute and cuddly. And you how how chicks like warm fuzzy things? What could be a better wing man (besides Al Cant Hang, of course) than a poker playing Chimp wearing a diaper and eloquently knocking back shots of whiskey like Tara Ried at a Sunday brunch? How could I not get laid after walking into a bar in Meat Packing District wearing my hip Party Poker golf shirt with Slappy the Wonder Chimp at my side cajoling all the ladies in the joint?

March 8 @ 3:41pm EST... Back to the multi. I played flawless poker for two hours then blew it. With my stack slowly evaporating, I attempted to steal at the cut off with 33 and raised the blinds. The BB called with AJ and you know how this ends. 29th place out of 170. I felt like one of those poor slobs you hear about in a sullen country-western songs. I was super pissed at myself. The fuckin' monkey would have folded.