The Week in Review

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past." - George Carlin

Just a reminder, Iggy announced a second WPBT WSoP Satellite for the $1500 NL event, which will take place on June 3rd at the Rio in Las Vegas. Here's another chance at getting in a lot cheaper.

What: No Limit Satellite for the $1500 WSoP Event
When: Sunday May 1st
Time: 7pm EST
Where: Poker Stars
Buy in: $30 + $3
Restrictions: Bloggers only
Password: Same as last week (E-mail Iggy or me for specifics)
Attire: Uber-casual with pants optional

Participants will not be awarded points towards the WPBT Leaderboard. As you know this will be held the day before the WPBT event at the Aladdin. We have one qualifier already... Bob. Who is going to be next?

Oh, and I will be running a Hilton Sisters Challenge for this event. The winner gets kicked in the junk by Bob.

Monday: I forgot it was still the Passover holiday in New York City when I wandered over to my favorite bagel store first thing in the morning for a fresh Everything bagel and the damn store was closed. I'm McCatholic, what do you want me to do? That awful session of Razz at the Blue Parrot put me in foul mood and set the tone for most of the week. I got caught up in a funk and it took me a few days to pull out of it. At least everyone had a good laugh out of my write up.

Tuesday: A Rod hit 3 home runs and set the record for most RBIs as a Yankee in Yankee Stadium with 10. Man, he was locked in. I had an A Rod moment myself at the tables trying to clear my reload bonus on Party Poker. I won 35 BB in two quick hit and run sessions lasting no more than an hour of total playing time. I doubled up my buy in at one table within two orbits, so I left.

Poker Playing Music on Tuesday...
1. Phil Lesh and Friends
2. Medeski, Martin, and Wood with John Scofield
3. Radiohead
4. Charlie Hunter with Stanton Moore
5. John Coltrane

Wednesday: I ended a four day winning streak when I posted my first losing session in a while on Party Poker. KK was cracked by A7 and AQ lost in a huge pot to AT. I spent most of the day in a weird funk after I got into a rare fight with Briana. I won't go into specifics, but that hellcat drives me crazy somedays. Luckily AlCantHang called me late in the afternoon for a Dial-a-Shot from Key West. That put me in a much better mood. Al rules.

Thursday: I woke up focused and in a better mood after I stayed up until 5am writing. I completed several freelance articles and set my work schedule for May. I have 11 articles due before I move to Vegas and I already cranked one out. I continued my quest to work off my Party Poker bonus. I dropped an entire buy in at a $3/6 table in less than an hour due to a few bad beats and missed draws.

And Yes, I know all about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's jaunt to Rome. Some of you know that I'm a sucker for all things Katie Holmes. I watch Dawson's Creek or fuck's sake. Normally, news of my favorite actress getting boinked by Tom "Cocktails and Dreams" Cruise is enough to set me on tilt... but not yesterday. In some freak miracle, my month of April internet crush, Raymi, stopped by my blog(s) and acknowledged the fact that I was getting a little frustrated because she had not posted naked pictures of herself on her blog in a very long time. "Patience," she wrote me in my comments.

I checked to make sure it was her and not one of my friends with a twisted sense of humor. I'm glad she said something to me before the month is over. In March I was cyber stalking this Swedish lesbian I stumbled upon who constantly posted pictures of herself kissing random girls she'd meet in clubs and at the supermarket. Katie, who?

Late night, Bad Blood pinged me an IM and told me that F Train made the final four of a WSoP Razz satellite for the $2k event on Full Tilt. I was 40 hands away from clearing my bonus when I logged off of Party and hit the rail with Bad Blood and Glyph. F Train was the chip leader until I showed up. I guess you can call me "the cooler" because he went from first to last. He even made a comment that he didn't start catching bricks until I showed up.

Seriously, F Train is a sadist. Insane. I could never put myself through that type of torture. Oh wait, I've walked down that road to insanity before, after all I did date a neurotic valium-popping actress once. Talk about getting kicked in the junk on a daily basis.

When it was three handed, F Train had his last 8k in front of him. With $500 antes and the blinds at 4k/8k, he made a heroic stand and survived a big hand to double up. F Train then went heads up for the WSoP seat. He was outchipped 4 to 1 and kept catching bring ins or bricks on fourth street. With A-6/J he moved all in and survived with 3-7-K/4! Then he had 6-3/A-5-Q and moved all-in. He couldn't hit a low card and ended up with running queens to spell his doom. He took home $140 for second place. Next time.

It's Friday

I expect to clear my Party Poker bonus by later today. I want to play in a few tournaments this weekend. I haven't played too many recently and axed SNGs from my daily poker diet since my awful streak in February. On Saturday I'll be taping the next episode of Lord Admiral Card Club and be working on some more freelance articles. I will atempt to read every blog on my blog roll this weekend. Briana leaves for Europe on Monday morning, so I expect I'll spend some time with her on Sunday after the WPBT WSoP Satellite. Don't forget that NBC is broadcasting their first episode of the National Heads Up Championship on Sunday at noon. Check your local listings.

And now scenes from next week's Tao of Poker...

Monday: WPBT WSoP #2 write up
Tuesday: Existentialist Conversations with Strippers, Part 3
Wednesday: Hump Day Pimp Day (featuring The Poker Geek)
Thursday: Monthly Review: April 2005
Friday: Reader Mail

One week from today, I'll be taking a three or four day hiatus from blogging and heading into Indiana to hang out with everyone's favorite donkey fucker... Daddy from Snailtrax. We're gonna roadtrip from Southern Indiana to Cincinnati to see a Trey Anastasio Band concert and catch a Reds game. The next day we're gonna pay homage to the Blogfather and get shitfaced in his hometown. We expect Iggy to be participating in the festivities which might include a scintilla of poker. Stay tuned for more details in the meantime, I have to go write. Have a groovy weekend everyone. Maybe I'll see you at the tables.

Editor's Note: Happy birthday, Maudie!!!

Pet Dreams, Transexuals, and Marshal McLuhan

I have lots of dreams with pets in them, like dogs and cats. Usually I'm the owner, but I often have random dreams where I'm pet sitting for a friend. Hijinks ensue and something horribly goes wrong like the dog bites a baby and I have to call 911, but I'm drunk and the phone is missing the buttons. Sometimes I speak to the animals. Freaky right? Once I dropped acid and tried to talk to my friend's cat. Problem was she only spoke in Portuguese.

A friend of mine told me a crazy story about a party he went to this weekend. I wish he had a blog so he could write it up, it was so hilarious. He ended up getting home at 5:30am and hung out to party with transexuals for most of the evening. He said one of the girls (a real chick without a guy's junk) that he was chatting up was a hot Dominican chick from Astoria who gets paid to beat the shit out of guys. That's her day gig. Then she fucks them and sometimes shits on their chests. And they tip her extra for the weird stuff. I guess that gig is alot more meaningful than slinging Iced Caramel Macchiatos around to hipsters at 8:45am everyday for $7.10/hr plus pooled tips.

That reminds me that I've seriously lost my edge. I used to hang out with thieves, drug dealers, junkies, hookers, and other sexual deviants. These days, my list of friends include B-list celebrities, models-turned-actresses, and spoiled children of famous TV producers and Senators. Come to think about it... they're really the same two groups of people, just my current circle of cronies has cooler cell phones and the drugs are not as good. I think it's time to shake things up.

Seattle was an amazing city. When I lived there in the late 1990s, they had the best collection of drugs in America. Including coffee. For fucks sake, I miss British Columbia kind nugs (the kind that stick to your fingers) and those clear Seattle mornings in the summer when you could actually see Mt. Rainer.


A friend from north of the border read my second novel the other day... Sweet Nothing (aka The Baby and Winky Novel). She said it was her favorite out of three manuscripts from yours truly that she read. Man, I was so fucked up and in a bad space when I wrote Baby & Winky... I can't even recall writing dozens and dozens of pages of that jibberish. Yet, it's still a favorite among some of my close friends. They like that raw and twisted side. God bless them.

I saw a woman crying in the middle of Staples the other day. I didn't say anything and snubbed her. Briana told me she saw two girls crying at the gym today... both a different times in the locker room. She consoled one and blew off the other.

I watched a mother read a book to her kid on the subway this afternoon. She was pretty loud and screamed over the subway sounds. I was reading a lot of Marshall McLuhan. He knows his shit. I want to share more of his philosophy in a future post. But not now. When I got out of the subway, I walked seventeen blocks without realizing where I was going because I was lost in deep thought. I cannot even recall what I was brooding about. I do remember seeing a guy who looked a lot like Benson from Soap and Benson. He was screaming at a cabbie who nearly hit him as jaywalked across Lexington Avenue.

My internet crush for the month of April has not posted any nekkid pics of herself in a few weeks. What gives? I'm running out of spank material and it's almost May.


There is some poker content. I posted four winning days in a row playing on Party Poker while I was working off my bonus and I blew the streak with a losing session. I was playing great and figured I'd be able to win myself a uselss material item or too before I left for Vegas. Some nights you just can't draw a good hand.

Life is so much easier when you don't have to think about shit... and you just be. I can't sleep at nights because I have too much to write and I feel guilty about wasting my time sleeping when I know that I should be writing instead of dreaming about pet sitting someone's stupid Siamese cat.

Hump Day Pimp Day: Radio Free Pauly, WPBT WSoP #2, and Party Poker's Reload Bonus

"For some people, life is an empty cup and there's nothing you can pour in there that will fill it up." - Tao of Pauly

Hey my brother, can I borrow a copy of your "Hey, Soul!" classics? No, my brother, I'm too busy playing on Party Poker!

Tonight is your last chance to take advantage of Party Poker's 20% reload bonus. You must deposit $500 to get $100 and play 7x the raked hands. The bonus code is: BONUSAPR. You have until Midnight April 27th (tonight) to take advantage of this promotion and get free money. I've been there and have like 220 hands left to go. See ya at the tables.

Radio Free Pauly

I was in much better shape this weekend when I taped my segment with Sean for the Lord Admiral Card Club Radio Show and Podcast. If you don't know it's the best podcast dedicated to poker in the universe. Sean and Brent are working hard every week to get this done so stop by and show your support.

You can download the MP3 of this week's show... Episode 23: Here.
You can download last week's show... Episode 22: Here.
You can read the show's notes: Here.

My segment starts at the 41:00 mark of the show and it lasts about 11 minutes. We talked about local games I play here in NYC among other things. This week's show also features an interview with the Poker Prof. Check it out.

If you want to catch up and listen to previous episodes, please visit their archives over at Brainscat. Thanks again to Sean for having me on.

WPBT WSoP #2

Iggy announced a second tournament, a WPBT WSoP Satellite for the $1500 NL event, which will take place on June 3rd at the Rio in Las Vegas. Here's your shot at getting in a lot cheaper.

What: No Limit Satellite for the $1500 WSoP Event
When: Sunday May 1st
Time: 7pm EST
Where: Poker Stars
Buy in: $30 + $3
Restrictions: Bloggers only
Password: Same as last week (E-mail Iggy for specifics)
Attire: Uber-casual with pants optional

Participants will not be awarded points towards the WPBT Leaderboard. As you know this will be held the day before the WPBT event at the Aladdin. We have one qualifier already... Bob. Who is going to be next?

Oh, and I will be running a Hilton Sisters Challenge for this event!!

Bloggers of Note

My brother Derek is looking for a new job. He's current an underwriter for a major insurance company on Wall Street. If you are in the insurance industry and/or know of any connections, then please shoot him an email so he can send you his resume. We both appreciate it!

HDouble has another thought provoking post called On Self Affirmation. Take a peek. Don't forget to buy Poker Tracker Guide.

F Train posted a great recap of our Monday Night Razz Nightmare. He compared all of us to castaways on Gilligan's Island. I'm Ginger. Here's a bit:

The Movie Star (Dr. Pauly) -- I have never, ever seen Pauly in such a foul mood. I've seen him drop a few buy-ins at the Blue Parrot and take it with a smile and a shrug, but last night he looked like he had gone a few weeks without partaking of any mind-altering substances, and everyone knows how happy that makes a true junkie. It got so bad that when Ferrari sucked out a two-outer against him in holdem, Pauly flat out lost it and snapped at him a little bit. Not in a ranting, Hellmuthian kind of way, but the Doctor was not his usual bundle of cheery goodness, and it showed.

Yes, he even noticed that I was in rare pissy mood and snapped at Ferrari (who bore the brunt of my ire) when he hit a two outer. This next sentence is for Bob. Razz is like asking your ex-girlfriend's mother to smash your testicles with a sledgehammer.


Congrats to Boy Genius and his latest published article. You can thank me later, dude. I hope this allows you to get some major league poon-tang. You deserve it, pal. Good work. Now get off your ass, Mr. Columnist and send me those short stories for Truckin' that I've been waiting on for weeks!!!

Lastly, I have to help pay for my expensive vices with a cheap plug. Don't forget about the Reload Bonus on Party Poker. If you do not have an account, well what the fuck are you waiting for? Your favorite bloggers play there, so you should too. Use my bonus code TAO4 to get up to $100 free. See you at the tables.

Monday Night Razz

"Brick. Brick. Brick." - F Train's notes

It was Razz Night at the Blue Parrot and featured a rare cameo from Ugarte. In all reality it was "Get kicked in the junk night." Who was the genius who thought about putting this together? Oh yeah... F Train. My message to you kind Sir is... Fuck you, asshole! I want 4.5 hours of my life back!!



All joking aside, it was one of the worst sessions of poker in my life. Man, just awful. Talk about some brutal beatings. If I wanted to get the shit kicked out of me in a sadistic manner, I could have called up one of those really skanky-sexy Suicide Girls and asked them to pierce my nut sack with a rusty nail.

I'm not over exaggerating the events either. I made the big mistake and stayed sober for the whole night, drinking only a single beer over the session. That was my first mistake. I should have bought a ticket on the AlCantHang express and stumbled off into Judy Garland territory. Ah, in honor of F Train's stellar Razz tutorial, I shall offer up my wise-ass Razz suggestions.

Pauly's Razz Tips
1. Wear a cup because you are going to get kicked in the balls.
2. Get shit faced. It makes those seventh street suckouts seem invisible. Oxycontin is preferred. The Oxy high sustains itself over a longer period of time and counteracts the harsh beats.
3. See everything to the river. I never saw so many bricks fall late in the betting rounds since John Starks went 0-45 in Game 7 of the 1994 NBA finals and cost the NY Knicks (and Pat Riley) and championship.

With that being said, I wish I took my advice before I even walked in the door. Alas, I only lost $35, but my poker soul has been disfigured for life. Coach was lucky he had to work and missed the ugliness.

The Players:
Seat 1: F Train... otherwise known as Asphnxma, he's the man, the myth, the legend who loves sitting to my left at the Blue Parrot.

Seat 2: Ugarte... the former high-priced attorney turned stand up comedian used to be a skinny kid before he got his first job at Carvel ice cream. Cookie Pus, blow me.

Seat 3: Nader... one of the "new guys." He's the quiet mathematics professor who slowly built up his stack over the night.

Seat 4: Ferrari... proprietor of the Blue Parrot and suck out king will be thinking twice about any future Razz themed evenings.

Seat 5: Joel... the mortgage banker and the elderstatesman of the group. He gave F Train and myself cool notebooks so we can take notes during future games. Thanks, Joel!

Seat 6: Om... the downtown fashion photographer hasn't played much at the Blue Parrot recently. He's the self proclaimed Gus Hansen of the Blue Parrot and will play any two cards in hold'em!

Seat 7: Arthur... another "new guy" who came all the way from Coney Island for the game. He built up his stack early and held onto it the rest of the night.

Seat 8: Pauly... our hero has a known weakness for donuts, malcontent elevator button heiresses, and Woody Allen moves. He started out in a good mood and all of that came to a crashing halt as he slowly morphed into grumpy, pissed off Pauly.

By the way, I'm not going to give you the conventional write up with times and play by play. Why? Because it would go something like this.

9:03pm EST... I found three Wheel cards to start 2-A/4. By fifth street I have 2-A/4-6-2. Then it got ugly. Ace on sixth street and a King on the river. Playing Razz is like going to see a movie and finding out its horrible two minutes in and yet, you still sit through two more hours of it anyway... oh and you also get kicked in the balls.

Or do you want to hear me bitch all night long about this...

9:38pm EST... I had an excellent starting hand with 7 high through fifth street and two players in the pot with face cards and pairs showing! Of course on the river I lose to Joel who caught runner runner to snag a better low. Playing Razz is like taking out a girl you really like and have been after for months. She finally agrees you have an awesome dinner (Thai-Icelandic fusion), excellent conversation, then get a few cocktails before you get to do the freaky-freaky with her all night long... until WHAM! The next thing you know she gets picked up standing in line for the ladies room by some two-bit hipster named Chase (or insert your stereotypical nemesis -- bad ass biker dude, philosophical beatnik, Republican from a red state, Euro trash textiles baron, Canadian Curling champion). Stolen on the river by some nit wit!




A sample of my nightmare Razz hands
The only fun part to playing Razz was dealing (1/8 of the time). Nothing was better than giving someone the high card to bring it in... especially when there were face cards showing! Of course, I loved tossing brick after brick to people. The better the starting hand, the heavier the brick. "Lemme pair up your door card," seemed more fitting.

Final Tally:
Arthur +130
Nader +100
Ferrari +40
Ugarte +15
Joel -20
Pauly -35
F Train -47
Om -140

Did I happen to mention that Razz is an awful experience? Playing Razz is like walking up to a complete stranger and telling them to kick you in the balls. I think I'm going to do that the next time someone suggest we play Razz. It could have been worse. At least Ugarte was back after his self-imposed exile and he was cracking a few jokes. Some of which were actually funny. Go see his upcoming gigs schedule.

Stay tuned for the next installment from the Blue Parrot. Until then, I'm going to start seeing a dominatrix on Monday nights. I wonder if any of them read my blog and are willing to trade poker lessons for an hour or two of having my nuts shaved by a Brill-O pad?

WPBT WSoP Satellite #1

"We're clever but we're clueless" - Jack Johnson

We witnessed blogger history on Sunday evening. This is a special moment because we're sending one of our peers and friends to the World Series of Poker. This year it's the $1500 event and Bob will be representing us.

7:00pm EST... I knew what it felt like to be Venus Williams and find myself paired up against Serena. I wasn't thrilled to have my brother at my table, especially a table with only 7 players. Oh well, what are you going to do? My plan was to play hands fast and hard. In the first orbit I had JJ and KK and put out good sized bets preflop with no action.

The Players:
Seat 1: Derek
Seat 2: Poker Geek (arrived in Level 2)
Seat 3: ChopsHere
Seat 4: Big John (arrived Level 2)
Seat 5: Pauly
Seat 6: Columbo777
Seat 7: Monstermaker
Seat 8: ABVidale
Seat 9: - EV

7:09pm EST... Bad Blood's pocket Hellmuths hold up against Micon's AK.

7:15pm EST... Level 2 with T1410. I was in 47th out of 71.

7:20pm EST... I raised with AK, Monster raised over the top. I pushed and he called with JJ. I flopped an ace and he caught a Jack on the turn. I'm out in 71st place. With only two places paying (and in all reality I was playing for first place) I wasn't going to sit back early and let myself get chipped down while other players built up major stacks. My plan was to attack, and attack early.

7:24pm EST... Chris Halverson was the serious short stack and doubled up two times in a row.

7:31pm EST... Poker Geek dropped the Hammer.

7:37pm EST... Chad's AA lost to TT on the river and he's knocked out.

7:38pm EST... Halverson doubled up again, this time against Bob with AK.

7:39pm EST... F Train knocked out and a tear is shed in Brooklyn.

7:42pm EST... Halverson continued on his rush and KO'd the Poker Nerd.

7:50pm EST... Derek is moved to Bad Blood and Helixx's table. Helixx and the Hilton Sisters lost a big pot to JJ.

7:54pm EST... Iggy was knocked out when his pocket tens ran into AA. He joined me in the Losers Lounge for cocktails.

7:54pm EST... Helixx moved all in with the Hammer and doubled up.

7:56pm EST... Derek moved all in with AT against Helixx's short stack and AK. Derek lost a big pot and was never the same afterwards.

7:59pm EST... Derek's 44 were knocked out by the Hilton Sisters. He took 46th place. At the first break, Bad Blood was the chip leader with 45 players remaining.

8:22pm EST... HDouble hit quad 5s.

8:26pm EST... Four players moved all in preflop: Good43 with 22, VaRoadster with Ad9s, Ryan with AA, and Bugsy99 with KhQh. Ryan won a monster pot and was looking good after he knocked out two players.

8:30pm EST... BG moved all in with AQ and flopped a Queen against Ryan's Big Slick. Ryan caught a river straight and the Bobby Flay of Poker Bloggers was out in 28th place.

8:34pm EST... Ephro moved all in preflop with the Hammer and doubled up when a 2 eerily surfaced on the river, like a floater and former mob snitch in the East River.

8:40pm EST... Spaceman dropped the Hammer.

8:45pm EST... HDouble knocked out Ephro and began a huge run.

8:46pm EST... HDouble knocked out Drizz when Big Slick held up in a race.

8:47pm EST... Bad Blood sends Spaceman packing in 23rd.

8:48pm EST... Life's a Grind was busted in 22nd place when his AJ lost a coinflip.

8:49pm EST... HDouble and Bad Blood are 1 and 2 in chips.

8:51pm EST... Skitch's KK ran into AA and he was out in 19th.

8:59pm EST... TripJax tried to bully the blinds out of a pot with 89s. Jerge called with KK and DrMullet also pushed with TT. TripJax was bailed out when his flush arrived at the river and he knocked out two players.

9:01pm EST... Gracie's 44 lost to 66 and she was out in 13th.

9:03pm EST... HDouble woke up with pocket aces in the big blind. Ryan pushed with A7s and lost. He finished in 12th.

9:16pm EST... The final table arrived. And now, the players who were battling out for $840 for second and a $1500 seat to the WSoP:

Final Table:
Seat 1: ChopsHere... The guy is from Atlanta. That's Ted Turner country and the same city where I went to college.

Seat 2: Slim999... The Watertown native is new to the blogger scene.

Seat 3: Bad Blood... Representing the South Carolina contingent is the Ivy Leaguer with muscles the size of baby rhinoceros. He's a heavy metal music aficionado and can crush beer cans with his pinkie finger. He's a force to be reckoned and should not be overlooked.

Seat 4: BobRespert... He's the younger brother of BG and often wishes nutcancer on his enemies and sells drugs (legally) by day. At night he devotes his time to teaching adults to read and then cleans out bedpans at a local nursing home. The blogger with the biggest heart is the last standing Michigonian left standing.

Seat 5: JoeSpeaker... He's one of the newest writers to contribute to my Truckin' blogzine. He might be the best-dressed poker blogger according to fashion experts Felicia Lee and Joan Rivers. He's a part of the ever expanding LA poker blogging scene.

Seat 6: HDouble... The other LA blogger is a former semi-pro football who can bench press a Yugo. He has been known to speak several Nordic languages and works for a famous online poker site when he is not publishing e-books. His favorite color is Midnight Blue and he might be the smartest person living in Southern California not named Hugh Hefner. He was among the chipleaders and the favorite to win according to Irishbookie.com.

Seat 7: Txchach... He's from Pflugerville which is about five miles south of Scratchmyballstown. This is his first WPBT final table.

Seat 8: Philseivers... I think he's from Salford, PA which is near Amish country. I heard he had been killing those barn games the last few years. The Amish are rocks too.

Seat 9: Trip Jax... The man from North Carolina likes curvy butts, beers, rears, high knees, and bootylicious behinds. He nailed one of the hands of the tournament and is looking to turn his $33 into a WSoP seat.

9:17pm EST... Actually three bloggers at the final table have at one point in time written for my blogzine, Truckin'! Pretty cool. Anyway, Bob won a big pot with KQo against TripJax's 77. Bob hit a king on the turn to take it down.

9:20pm EST... Bad Blood is the first one knocked out when his 33 lost to Bob's TT.

9:25pm EST... Bob's Big Slick held up against TripJax's KQ. Trip finished in 8th and Bob took the chip lead.

9:32pm EST... Chops was knocked out in 7th place when his A7 lost to AT.

9:38pm EST... HDouble had all his money in the pot with AT and top pair. On the flop, Joe called with JTs and a flush draw. He sucked out on HDouble on the river when a 2 of hearts fell. HDouble was bounced in 6th place. In the chat, BG mentioned, "Here's when HDouble goes ballistic and smashes his fist into his wall..."

9:40pm EST... Level 11 started and Joe was in first place. Phil followed in second and Bob was 3rd. Bob and his pocket Jacks knocked out Slim's A4. Slim took 5th and the remaining players discussed making a deal to chop the 2nd place money 3 ways.

9:44pm EST... Bob won a big pot. I had written in my notes, "Bob bluffs his way to the final table."

9:46pm EST... Bob lost a big hand with K6 to Txchach's 66.

9:53pm EST... Joe won a huge pot with A5. He had 30k in chips.

9:55pm EST... TXchac is out in 4th when his KQo ran into Bob's 99.

9:56pm EST... Bob check raised Joe all in with 5-4-7 on the flop. Bob said he had 5-2o. He's the man and had most of the chips.

9:57pm EST... Bob had Joe dominated with A9s vs 10-9o. Bob had 87k in chips after he knocked Joe out in 3rd place.

9:59pm EST... It was a quick heads up battle. Bob was the slight underdog with Q8s. Phil's A6 could not hit a flop. Bob, however, flopped an 8 and a gutshot straight draw. A jack then a 2 fell and Bob's pair of 8s beats out Phil's ace high. Bob won the first ever WPBT WSoP satellite. He's the man. Congrats to Phil and everyone else who made the final table.


Wow, Bob? Fuck, yeah! It's amazing to think that just 14 or 15 months ago, 30+ of us gathered on a tiny site (and dammit those fuckers are still holding my money hostage!) and we played poker togther for fun. For many of us, it was the first time we ever played with each other. Since then, friendships were formed and a community began to flourish. We have played together on almost a dozen sites, organized mini-blogger meet ups all over the country, and even had a Las Vegas casino (thanks Dick and Sam's Town!) host one of our private tournaments. Next year, I predict that we'll be able to have the ability to send at least one of us to the main event. That is a big goal but I think we're up for this task. This is just the beginning, folks. Thanks for letting me be a part of your lives.

Lastly, thanks to Iggy and Otis for setting this up. Congrats again to the winner, Bob. See you in Vegas, dude.

Answers to the Movie Quote Challenge I

1. For Italians they called this skilled labor. Caddyshack
2. Real tomato ketchup, Eddie? Vacation (the first one)
3. Candlesticks always make a good gift. Bull Durham
4. Sugar, Mr. Poon? Fletch
5. I've never been to Belize before. Ocean's 11
6. Mike, she made off with your sheets. Rounders
7. Never get out of the boat. Apocolapyse Now
8. I like red heads. It's my favorite color. Dazed & Confused
9. I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion. Manhattan
10. I'm Enzo... the baker. Godfather Part I
11. It's a real shame folks throwing away a perfectly good white-boy like that. Better Off Dead
12. How the hell did you get the beans above the franks? Something About Mary
13. It's my big dick and I say when we roll! Boogie Nights
14. What are you talkin' to me about drugs for? I got my daughter here! She's twelve years-old! Easy Money
15. Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement. Clerks
16. I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Airplane!
17. I don't dig on swine. Pulp Fiction
18. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president. Good Will Hunting
19. No one can eat fifty eggs. Cool Hand Luke
20. Don't jump in the pool Englebert, you're liable to flood the whole Valley. The Bad News Bears
21. You figured "Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about." The Big Lebowski
22. Lunch is for wimps. Wall Street
23. Yeah, she was all "I hate my job! I'm gonna burn this mother down!" and I said, "You better not.....you better not." Orange County
24. What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it. Say Anything
25. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I hoped it could be. Office Space

Bad Blood's WSoP Assignment: Bankroll Adrift

I'm always one to shy away from structure. Since this is a creative writing assignment, I figured I'd take some liberties creatively especially with the content. In the real world, you (both bloggers and readers) can catch a glimpse of the WPBT satellite and read everyone's reports (and writing assignments). You can even fly to Vegas sweat from the rail at the Rio and watch whoever it is that will play in the event. Sure, that's awesome and all. However, to me and I'm sure I speak for a majority of the rest of you that the deep curiosity... the real burning interest that you seek out but never get... is what happens off this here blog. You know, the wacky stuff that I do in those other 20+ hours everyday when I'm not online playing poker or blogging. Sure a lot of bloggers live their life as an open book. But in all reality, we're limited to what the blogger decides to share or not share or in some instances stuff that they made up completely.

Anyway, I figured I'd share some non-blogworthy stuff. That's where the real drama and struggle lies. That's the rated NC-17 shit you don't get to see, hear, and smell... like sordid tales of your hero hypothetically snorting copious amounts of drugs off the breasts of a French-Canadian stripper in $15 per hour seedy motel in Niagara Falls. Alas, in this assignment, you'll walk in my shoes for a few moments.

Let's begin with a snappy title... How I Lost the $1,500 Buy-in 9 Times. Nah, that's reminds me of something I'd read in Readers Digest. How about something catchy and slightly Hemingway-esque... The Bankroll Adrift.

Let's set the premise... I won the WSoP Satellite beating out F Train in a quick heads up battle after I pushed all in with nothing and out flopped him. Afterwards, I proceeded to lose the money that I took out of Poker Stars in a series of mishaps, misfortunes, and pure hijinks... for a total of nine times before I was able to register in time to get my seat. A lot can happen in one week when a degenerate gambler and known drug-fiend has $1,500 burning a hole in his pocket.

Of course, I'm not going to tell the whole story, just a glimpse. I don't have time to crank out everything I'd like to say. And now... the long awaited tale of The Bankroll Adrift.

***** *****



Elisha Cuthbert = Ace of Hearts
Like most hot chicks, Sadie could get any guy to do anything for her. She looked like Elisha Cuthbert and worked at a bar in the Flat Iron district. I used trade bonds on Wall Street with her brother. When I got the call saying she needed help driving from Toronto to New York City, I did what an sensible straight guy would think... "Maybe I'll get a hand job on the NY State Thruway."

I agreed right away and arrived in Toronto to help sexy Sadie get back to New York. (Editor's note: why Sadie had her car in Canada is of not important for plot reasons, so we'll just move on and assume that McGrupp and his friends regularly go up to Canada on a whim.)

I drove, Sadie rode shotgun as we cranked out a Radiohead bootleg (from Germany in 2001) with the window down and enjoyed the tantalizing aroma of Canadian spring time air. Everything was fine until we arrived at the border and were grilled by US Custom agents. After they ordered a thorough search of the car, I was arrested when they discovered seven kilos of marijuana stuffed in several duffel bags in the trunk. I never suspected Sadie was a ganja smuggler so I never looked in the trunk. She was strictly a pill-popper in the short time I knew her. One local resident who witnessed the bust was quoted in the next day's edition of the Toronto Star stating, "I never saw so much pot in my life, eh!"

I had to fork over $1,500 to help post my bail and worse, I had to call in a huge favor from a friend of mine, a big shot from Harvard Law School. Fucking lawyers man. Now I have to teach his wife and her hipster friends how to play poker. I'd rather let Chris Gardocki kick me in the junk for twenty minutes straight. That's the price you pay for calling in favors from Ivy League thugs.

Sadie drama aside, I had to find a quick way to raise some quick cash. With Briana already beginning her summering phase in Europe (you know people are uber-rich when they use summer as a verb instead of a noun) with her affluent mother, I had to bribe her doorman to let me slip past him and go upstairs to her apartment. The plan was to steal a pillow case full of shoes and designer purses and sell them for a couple of grand. The hard part was arguing and negotiating with her doorman, Juan. I had to give him 50% of my take and get him into the next game at the Blue Parrot (he reads my blog). I also had to snag a Fendi pursue for Mrs. Juan which was tough to part with because I knew that would have fetched me a good price. I rounded up all the Miu Miu shoes I could find that Briana didn't take with her to Spain and headed downtown to meet up with an old friend, Ivan, a Russian cabbie from Brooklyn.

Ivan has contacts in the Russian Mafia and he'll find a way to sell the stuff and make 1000% profit off of my thievery. We agreed on a good price and he wanted to sell me a bootleg of WPT Season 2 on DVD.

"Oh, Dr. Pauly, I loved it when Cowboy Corkins got Phil Hell-mut on tilt!" he screamed as he handed me a copy. As with everything Ivan sells me via the black market, something is fucked up with it. Of course, it was missing three episodes and had three minutes of The Incredibles spliced in there for some odd reason.

I got my cash but then I made a terrible decision. I decided to gamble on the NBA playoffs. I figured the Nets were a lock at home against Shaq. Boy I was wrong and lost half of it when Shaq went 11-12 in the fourth quarter at the free throw line. That's a miracle... and the pop culture equivalent of seeing Screech from Saved by the Bell get multiple hummers from Kelly Kapowski in the janitor's closet at Bayside High.

I was back in the hole again and it was time to give blackmail old friends on Wall Street. I had photographs, emails, and videotaped proof of plenty of uncouth behavior that would get them fired, divorced, arrested, and then observed and detained by psychiatric professionals at Bellvue. The stiffer the suit, the bigger the sex freak. One fellow I knew would see a high-priced call girl everyday before he wandered into the office at 8:55 sharp! He told me the best part about seeing his Jennifer Lopez dreamgirl look-a-like was that she let him watch ESPN Sportscenter during intercourse.

That guy ran up a $5,000 weekly hooker tab. Unreal. I knew that information was worth at least $5,000 and a stock tip. He agreed on $4,000 and whispered "Echo Bay Mines" to me. I took the entire 4k and bet it all on Echo Bay Mines, a small Canadian gas and exploration company. Of course, the very next day, there was an explosion in one of their natural gas facilities in Alberta. That disaster caused the stock to plunge with rumors looming that their workers were going to strike due to horrible working conditions.

The quick morals of the story are...

1. Always look in your trunk before you cross the border.
2. Never gamble on a stock tip from someone you just blackmailed.
3. Make sure you tip your doorman very well at Christmas.

I pissed the buy-in away on bail money, a bad NBA bet, and the stock tip from hell. I wish I could tell you about more hijinks, but I'm pressed for time.

(Editor's Note: Now, I'd like to flash forward to the morning before the actually WSoP $1500 event.)

4 June 2005
Las Vegas, NV

I must have passed on the cold bathroom floor of the suite I was sharing with Derek, Al Cant Hang, and EvaCanHang. I had vague images of Grubby and Eva playing slots and tried to piece the rest of the fuzzy memories of doing shots in a strip club and pissing on a palm tree somewhere near the Horseshoe. I starred up at the bathroom ceiling and talked myself into not puking. I couldn't do it and spent the next few minutes clutching the porcelain God and reciting the Hail Mary in Latin, half the time dry heaving and the other half praying to Jesus' Mom to deliver me from the anguish of the dreaded "morning after." I began day three on my knees with my head in the toilet, in the middle of one of the wickedest benders I've been on since the beginning of the Clinton administration. My weak stomach had become the battle ground for Good vs. Evil and I was losing miserably with every pint of bile I regurgitated.

Sometimes, if you fall off the horse or in AlCantHang's case... fall off your barstool... then you must get back on, order another drink, and ride the donkey all the way back to New York City. Vegas is filled with scores of losers. If you want to win in that town, you have to dig deep inside yourself, get your ass up off the pavement and remember what the I Ching says, "Inner strength can overcome anything that occurs outside."

That's easier said than done. The authors of the I Ching never drank with Al Cant Hang and his posse in Vegas. That's the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded Glock.

***** *****

That's it for now. I'll see everyone tonight at Poker Stars. Thanks to Bad Blood for suggesting this little assignment.

Random Townehouse Gambling, Party Poker Reload, and Movie Quotes

Editor's Note: I almost forgot to tell you that Party Poker is offering a reload bonus up to 20%. You must deposit $500 to get $100 and play 7x the raked hands. The bonus code is: BONUSAPR. You have until Midnight April 27th to take advantage of this promotion. I'll be there this weekend. See ya at the tables.

Toni hosted a game at the TowneHouse last night, which came together at the last minute. It was more of a casino-themed evening.

The Players:
Seat 1: Toni
Seat 2: Pauly
Seat 3: Kathy
Seat 4: Dan
Seat 5: Damon

We played Hold'em only a small percentage of the time. And for the first time in a very long time... no freakin' Omaha. I drank Red Stripes and joked around most of the night. We played a good hour or so of Pai Gow Poker. Yeah, Otis would have been proud. We also played 3-5-7, Follow the Queen, and even several rounds of blackjack. I was down $60 early and battled back to win $40. Nothing really stands out all that much aside from the fact that I had a great time... as usual... playing with Toni at TowneHouse.

Since that was such a lame write up... how about a random movie trivia contest?

Pauly's Movie Quote Challenge I



The rules: I listed 25 quotes and you email me the name of the films by this Sunday at 6pm. That's pretty simple. The person with the most correct flicks wins. In the event that there are multiple winners with the most correct movies... then your names will be thrown in a hat and I'll pick one winner. What does the winner get? $5. Yes, I will send you $5 to pay a free movie rental of your choice. Good luck.

The movie quotes...

1. For Italians they called this skilled labor.
2. Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
3. Candlesticks always make a good gift.
4. Sugar, Mr. Poon?
5. I've never been to Belize before.
6. Mike, she made off with your sheets.
7. Never get out of the boat.
8. I like red heads. It's my favorite color.
9. I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.
10. I'm Enzo... the baker.
11. It's a real shame folks throwing away a perfectly good white-boy like that.
12. How the hell did you get the beans above the franks?
13. It's my big dick and I say when we roll!
14. What are you talkin' to me about drugs for? I got my daughter here! She's twelve years-old!
15. Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
16. I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
17. I don't dig on swine.
18. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.
19. No one can eat fifty eggs.
20. Don't jump in the pool Englebert, you're liable to flood the whole Valley.
21. You figured "Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about."
22. Lunch is for wimps.
23. Yeah, she was all "I hate my job! I'm gonna burn this mother down!" and I said, "You better not.....you better not."
24. What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it.
25. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I hoped it could be.

Good luck. I hope someone goes 25 for 25! Please, have some honor and don't go Google on me. Try to do it without "cheating" and on pure cinema knowledge. My money is on the Poker Geek. He's the favorite to win this. Most of these are some of my all time favorite flicks. Please try to avoid leaving your answers in my comments. I'll post the results next week. Thanks again and have a great weekend.

Poker Update and Reader Mail: Full Fish with Royal, Concerned Girlfriends, Sopranos Pool, and Card Club Archives

Over the weekend I played on Full Fish. I randomly picked a $3/6 table and Royal happened to be playing there. The next night, he found my table and witnessed one of those random meetings that I used to have with readers of my poker blog when I used to play under my real name on Party Poker.

Yankeeken: you the blogger pauly?
DrPauly: ive been outed
DrPauly: yeah
Yankeeken: not much of a disguise

Later on in the session, I won a big hand and one of my railbirds chimed in.

Joanne1111 (Observer): nh
DrPauly: ty
Ace10: gotta a fan club?
DrPauly: sometimes
Ace10: I guess you do.
Joanne1111 (Observer): I'm not a fan, I just use him for phone sex
Ace10: me fan club is limited to my wife telling me to stop playing on the computer
DrPauly: LOL dude thats hilarious

Seriously, that guy rocked. Anyway, it's always a pleasure to play with Royal and meet readers at the tables. I also played at a random blogger table too over this weekend on Party Poker with a slew of bloggers... Darice, Drizz, Poker Geek, Maudie, Joanne, Rod, and Sir Waffle. Man, that's getting me all pumped up for Vegas.

I wish I could brag about kicking ass like I had been the last several weeks padding my bankroll. Alas, I'm playing more and more like Fredo Corleone everyday.

"But Mikey, I'm smart!"

On Party Poker, I'm in the middle of a huge slump and bleeding away chunks of my bankroll everyday. Four losing days in a row. Ouch. I'll write about that in a future post.

Moving on... how about the next edition of Reader Mail?

***** ******

Pauly,

Are you taking bets on who gets killed on The Sopranos this year?

Joaquin, New York City

Yo Joaquin,

Now there's an idea! Maybe I'll let BG take charge of that pool since he's more of the proper ethnic background to be running this racket. Shit, but then again, the last two Popes have been Polish and German, so maybe I should take charge.

Paulie Walnuts 5-1
Chris 6-1
Janice 8-1
Tony 10-1

What do you think about the opening lines for the next cast member to be whacked? I'd actually like to take bets on the next cast member of The OC to get knocked up!

Julie Cooper 3-1
Marisa 7-2
Kirsten 6-1
Summer 8-1

Thanks for reading,
Pauly

***** *****

Hey Pauly,

How can I listen to old episodes of Card Club Radio?

Vikram, Hong Kong

Hey Vikram,

You should head over to Brainscat.org. They are hosting the archives for Sean and have all the previous shows up there ready to be downloaded. Definitely check those out. I'll be appearing on several future episodes. Enjoy.

Thanks for reading and good luck at the table,
Pauly

***** *****

Dear Dr. Pauly,

My boyfriend seems to be playing more attention to online poker than to me. At first I thought he was cheating on me because he would stay up all night and not come to bed. I assumed he was chatting with another girl. He would be very tired all day and a lot of our together time was cut short because he was too tired. When I confronted him he denied everything. I love him dearly. I believed him and figured he was surfing for porn because he used to have a bad addiction to S&M and other bondage sites when I first met him. Actually that's how we met. I used to be a professional dominatrix here in Maryland. Sorry that we got sidetracked....

I found out that he wasn't addicted to porn again. Instead he plays poker online seven or eight hours a night. He told me he's won money and even paid off all of my credit card bills. My girlfriends think that it's dangerous to play online because it's illegal. I'm worried because he has an addictive personality. I also miss him! Hope you can offer me advice. Thanks,

Faye, Baltimore, MD

Dear Faye,

My advice to you is this....

1. Stop being such a selfish tart.
2 You were initially concerned that he was cheating on you. He was not.
3. You were then concerned that your boyfriend was getting sexual fulfillment from something other than you. He was not again.
4. He paid your debts.

This guy is not cheating on you and pays your bills. What more can you ask for? If you want attention, get a dog. You don't care about your boyfriend's health and you don't give a rat's ass whether online poker is legal or not. Quit the bullshit next time and get to the point.

Thanks for reading,
Pauly

***** *****

That's it for now. Sorry, but there's nothing from Timmy this week. Supposedly, he was grounded by his parental units and hasn't had the time to write me any interesting emails. Maybe next edition. However, here's a pic that he sent me of his latest hijinks. That's one wild kid!


Have a good day. Party Poker's Jackpot is now at.... $485,000 or 25,000 bottles of Southern Comfort!

Hump Day Pimp Day: Books, Bloggers, & Satellites

First of all, you have to head over to Party Poker. The Bad Beat Jackpot is over $400,000! Yesterday I played with the Poker Geek, Rod, on_thg, Drizz, and the Donkey Puncher. If you do not have an account... well wait are you waiting for? Don't forget... bonus code: TAO4.



Poker Books

If you play NL tournaments and have not purchased Dan Harrington's book Harrington on Hold'em, then shame on you!

Over the weekend, I managed to find some time in my hungover state to work on my Poker Books Section. Take a peek.

Bloggers

Wil Wheaton is in Vegas playing in the WPT Championships. He was awarded a seat by default. He came in third place and the other two celebs in his episode of Hollyweird Homegame could not make it. So our hero Wil rushed into the fight.

Grubby has a few interesting posts. Man, the dude has been living in Las Vegas man. I wonder what all that casino oxygen does to you?

Flip Chip and the Poker Prof are hard at work covering the $25K Bellagio event. I missed my chance this year at trying to win a seat via satellite on Party Poker. If you're an old reader of this blog, you know that I came pretty close last year to winning a seat. I had a few chances and blew it.

Bad Blood has a few interesting posts about Mini-Blood playing under his name on various online sites.

Riding the F Train has another excellent review of a NYC poker room. I can neither confirm, nor deny that these establishments exist.

By the way... buy Poker Tracker Guide, dammit!



WPBT WSoP Satellite

I hate repeating myself, but...

We only have 40 players signed up for the WPBT WSoP Satellite on Poker Stars for the $1500 NL event on June 3rd. We need at least several more players. Why haven't you signed up yet?

What: No Limit Satellite for the $1500 WSoP Event
When: Sunday April 24th
Time: 7pm EST
Where: Poker Stars
Buy in: $30 + $3
Restrictions: Bloggers only
Password: E-mail Iggy for specifics
Attire: Uber-casual with pants optional

Participants will not be awarded points towards the WPBT Leaderboard. See ya on Poker Stars.

Editor's Note: Make sure you read Otis' FAQ.

Personal Pimage

Lastly, let's pimp a few of my articles that were recently published.

1. Gaining the Edge in Online Poker (Poker Player Newspaper)
2. Johnny Moss (Professional-Poker.com)
3. Poker Hall of Fame (Professional-Poker.com)
4. Poker Tournaments and TV Coverage (PokerTv.com)
5. Party Poker Review (Poker Magazine)

I didn't get to pick the title on 4th one. I'm still busy building the player profile archives at Professional-Poker.com. When I move to Las Vegas, the content of my contribution to Professional-Poker.com will shift. I will be writing a weekly column providing updates containing World Series coverage over there (a different copy and seperate from what I submit to the Poker Prof and Poker Player Newspaper) in addition to posting an interview or two. Looking forward to this opportunity!

That's it for now. Thanks for stopping by and don't forget to sign up for the blogger tourney over at Poker Stars.

Existentialist Conversation with Strippers, Part II

Disclaimer: There is not one bad beat story in this post! There is however plenty of crude language, narcotics abuse, sexually explicit behavior, and a discussion of clitoral stimulation. If you are looking for a brief mentioning of Grubby's package being examined by not one, but two of Cheetah's finest dancers.... then you'll have to wait until next week!

Grubby and Senor were getting simultaneous lap dances while I sipped on my tepid Corona and stared at the acrobatic stripper spinning around the pole on the main stage. I have some of the weirdest thoughts when I'm in strip bars and at that time, my mind raced back and forth between different topics. I thought about philosophers like Kierkegaard, Heidegger, and Sarte. I also wondered if any of those gentlemen were to hang out with Senor and myself in Las Vegas... then perhaps the face of 20th Century philosophy might have been changed. How could your existence be that meaningless and bleak when your faced is buried into the chest of a former Miss Teen Louisiana who's using your nose as a punching bag with both her breasts smacking up against you in a one-two combo?

Usually I'll have fleeting moments like "Boy man! Shit God does exist!" when I'm in a strip club. Seriously, the only other place I had a semi-religious experience was at a Grateful Dead concert somewhere in North Carolina when I was 19 years old. But I have a strong suspicion that the three hits of liquid sunshine had a lot to do with my conversation with God that evening. He's a big Deadhead, you know?

Moving on, or shall I say flashing back to... the early 1990s... while exiting the nastiest and raunchiest strip club in Matamoros, Mexico (and I use the word strip club very loosely - it was a brothel with a stage and a stripper's pole in the front), I was once quoted as saying, "Oh my God!" after witnessing an exotic dancer shoot a ping pong ball out of her cookie. I was in awe as the ping pong ball flew over one hundred feet across the dilapidated stage where it landed perfectly in an old rusty coffee can amidst the rowdy applause of the twenty or so drunken frat boys in the joint. Juan Valdez's burro can do plenty of trick's but nothing like that.

Jessinna

I'm used to having religious experiences inside strip clubs. When I made eye contact with Jessinna at Sin in Las Vegas, I was convinced that there was a God because he sculpted the perfect woman for me. Bodies are a dime a dozen, but what made Jessinna perfect was her personality. She was the right combination of cool and aloof, enough so that she didn't know how hot she really was. She lived in the moment and focused all of her attention on me. She bought her own beers and wasn't there to suck every dollar out of my pocket. And lastly, she busted my balls when I tried to slip a Heidegger quote past her and pass it off as my own.

"You didn't just make that up?" she barked over the loud music.

"Huh?" I said, totally shocked that she actually called my bluff.

"You don't think I'm that fuckin' stupid where you can fuckin' pass off a second rate quote from an out dated philosopher like Heidegger?"

There's something very sexy, yet surreal, when a naked woman debates Heidegger with you while you desperately try to drown out a Britney Spears song that's blasting in the background.

Jessinna sat down on my lap and I lost time. She wore a pink Victoria's Secret bathing suit and we discussed the origins of all her tattoos, which took about four songs long for her to explain. I became enamored by her dark complexion and the aroma of her light brown hair (obviously highlighted of course). The natural brunette from El Paso, Texas loved drinking Coronas. She was almost the same age as my friend Molly, who's also an El Paso resident. I knew that the name of her high school was the same as the mountains nearby which seemed to impress her. I wondered if they went to school together. That would have been one weird conversation.

"Hey, Molly. Senor is still alive. I met a vixen named Jessinna in a strip club at 1am. She's one of your old classmates from Franklin High. She has pierced nipples. And damn! That's the best $100 that I spent in Vegas."

I'm confused whether or not that's her real name, even though that's what Jessinna told me. I know... you can't believe anything a stripper tells you. As the story goes, her father picked it off a Mexican soap opera. Now there's a slight grey area. I couldn't tell if her father picked her stripper name or her birth name. I didn't bother to ask for clarification and instead I got another lap dance.

There were two coincidences with her name. First of all, she worked at Sin and there was "sin" in the middle of Jessinna. Secondly, she almost had the same name as the stripper from Iceland that I fellow in love with four years earlier. The Icelandic gal was named Sinna. Add "J-E-S" to the front and you got Jessinna.

Life is funny sometimes. In the middle of the fuckin Nevada dessert, a Jessica Alba look-a-like with Taz tatooed on her ass instantly became hooked up with a stripper in Reykjavik who looked a lot like Gwyneth Paltrow in a bizarre instance of Six Degrees of Pauly.

Jessinna jumped up as the first few notes of Metallica's song Enter Sandman began to play.

"I fuckin' love this song!"

"Me too. Let's go!"

I motioned for her to start another lap dance. Nothing is hotter than a stripper with a song she loves to grind to. Normally, I equate Enter Sandman with the New York Yankees closer, Mariano Rivera.



In the late 1990s and early 2000s, there was not a more dominant relief pitcher in all of baseball. As soon as you heard Enter Sandman on Yankee Stadium's PA system, you'd see Mo Rivera sprint out of the bullpen towards the pitcher's mound. As a Yankees fan, you knew that the game would be over in a matter of minutes because he was untouchable. Of course these days, Mo is not as dominant as he once was so it was easy for me to now conjure up images of Jessinna gyrating to her favorite song and I have vivid memories of smelling her hair as she dangled it over me and feeling the warmth of her breath as she blew into my ear and examining the thickness of her nipples everytime I stroked the silky skin on her back and shoulders.

After the dance was over she ordered another round of Coronas. She even bought me a drink. What a girl! That's the first time that's ever happened to me. We sat for an undetermined amout of time before I settled up my tab with her and calmly invited her back to my hotel room for a late night party. She wanted to leave with us, but said she had to work until 6am. I told her, "Too bad. I would have made you famous."

As Jessinna slid off my lap and walked over to a table of L.A. hipsters in the corner, Senor asked, "Dude, what the fuck did you and that stripper talk about for over an hour?"

...coming soon Part III.

Next Pope Odds

Well, you can vote on anything these days! Here is proof: Next Pope Betting Odds.

Right now both Joseph Ratzinger & Jean-Marie Lustiger are 11/2 favorites according to one European site. Pick someone BG for our prop bet of the week!

Radio Free Pauly and WPBT WSoP Satellite

We only have 29 players signed up for the WPBT WSoP Satellite on Poker Stars for the $1500 NL event on June 3rd. We need at least 21 more players. Why haven't you signed up yet?

What: No Limit Satellite for the $1500 WSoP Event
When: Sunday April 24th
Time: 7pm EST
Where: Poker Stars
Buy in: $30 + $3
Restrictions: Bloggers only
Password: E-mail Iggy for specifics
Attire: Uber-casual with pants optional

Participants will not be awarded points towards the WPBT Leaderboard. See ya on Poker Stars.

"He's living the dream..." - Brent Stacks

Despite being zapped from three Widespread Panic concerts, I taped my second segment with Sean for the Lord Admiral Card Club Radio Show. If you don't know it's the best podcast dedicated to poker and I should be appearing every week from now through the World Series of Poker.

You can download the MP3 of this week's show... Episode 22: Here.
You can download last week's show: Here.
You can read the show's notes: Here.

My segment starts at the 55:00 mark of the show and it lasts about 12-13 minutes. We talk about my recent review on Dan Harrington's book in addition my upcoming move to Las Vegas. This week's show also features an interview with the Poker Prof. Check it out. Good stuff.

If you want to catch up and listen to previous episodes, please visit their archives over at Brainscat. Thanks again to Sean for having me on.

Truckin' - April 2005, Vol. 4, Issue 4


I posted the latest issue of my literary blogzine, Truckin'. Once again there are new authors making their Truckin' debut in another groundbreaking issue. Grubby finally submitted a masterful piece about our many excursions to strip clubs in Las Vegas. He joins the Truckin' ranks with several other poker bloggers, like Joe Speaker, a Southern California native who is also making his debut this month. I hope he will contribute more in the future. I'm especially excited to have Chris Hanel add his excellent work to this issue. He's also a poker blogger and an aspiring filmmaker with a great voice. After making her debut last month, Julia Vettraino returns with an enticing story. Our favorite Norwegian writer, Sigge Amdal, is back with another philopshoical dialogue. Lastly, I wrote a subway story and since everyone loves stories about strippers, I added the first part of my latest project. Sit back, enjoy, and please spread the good word about this site.

1. Subway Story by Tenzin McGrupp
The unpleasant aroma of stale feces combined with dungy body odor surrounded me as the homeless guy shuffled past us... More

2. Self Control at New Heights by Chris Hanel
Jen points out I'm still wearing my shoes too, and I thank her for pointing that out while I compare sins between wearing shoes in my house and stabbing me in the heart with an ice pick while acting as forbidden fruit in my basement... More

3. "Feel this, it's so big" by Grubby
As her best friend walked by, Dana said, "C'mere, you gotta feel this, it's so big" and took her hand in hers to feel something of mine. She apologized for embarrassing me, though that wasn't the least embarrassing. Any kind of compliment like that and I'm putty... More

4. La Boudoir by Julia Vettraino
She sat on the bench by the desk and lifted each leg in turn, slowly rolling her stockings from her thighs down to her ankles. When she was completely undressed she stood up, revealing her profile through the illumination... More

5. The Jack by Joe Speaker
I stare straight at him with what I hope appears to be confidence. In fact, I can almost convince myself that it is. My gut churns, but for the first time, my mind is calm... More

6. Making Your Bed by Sigge S. Amdal
Life is one of the best tutors there is; whenever you input an erroneous value, life will make sure to slap your hands and you'd better learn from it or else you'll get another slap, but this time in the face... More

7. Existentialist Conversations with Strippers, Part I by Tenzin McGrupp
Senor bought the first round. We've been going to strip clubs together since we were 18 years old. That was back in our hazy, fuzzy, Kentucky bourbon-drenched days in Atlanta... More

Feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you know anyone who is interested in being added to the mailing list.

Thanks again. I am grateful that you wasted your time with my site. Until next time.

Widespread Review

For all you music fans, I just posted a review of last night's concert. Here's a bit:

There are certain Widespread Panic songs which are gateways to instant flashbacks about my reckless late teens and early twenties living in the South. Ah, youth and music! Panic puts me right back to the porch of my fraternity house... I'd have a big cup of ice, coke, and Jim Beam keeping me sane while I oggled at the cute sorority girls who decided to jog down fraternity row during their late afternoon workouts. Those were special times when you didn't have a care in the world and hearing Phil Lesh's bong-rattling bass on a scratchy Dead bootleg from someone's stereo was the closest thing to achieving nirvana... More

Another show tonight. Visit the Tao of Pauly for more updates, reviews, and setlists.

Widespread Mayhem

First of all, my thoughts and prayers go out to Felicia is is undergoing surgery today as I write this. Best of luck to you and Glenn!

Secondly, I finally cleared bonuses on Full Tilt, Poker Stars, and Empire Poker in the last two weeks. I am up over $1K including bonuses during this run. I just bought myself a new laptop and paid off plane tickets to Las Vegas and Indiana with my whoring cashola.

If you don't know, Full Tilt is absolutely the perfect place to pad your bankroll. For a while, it was Glyph, Maudie, and mine's dirty little secret. I begged them not to blog about how soft the games were. You want to know why there haven't been any blogger tables on Party Poker recently? Well, because I was spending my evenings playing over at Full Fish (my new nickname for Full Tilt) working off my bonus. I guess I attract a lot of railbirds on Party. After I cleared my Full Fish bonus, I focused my attention on Empire Poker. Now that I cleared my bonus there, I can go back to trolling the waters on Party Poker with the occasional hit and run session on Full Fish.

Of course, my return yesterday to normal ring games and non-bonus chasing play was greeted by one of my worst sessions since the February Doldrums. Ouch. I'll make it back today.

I think it's a good time for a break from blogging, writing, and poker. One of my favorite bands, Widespread Panic, is in town playing three shows at Radio City Music Hall. I'll be spending my evenings enjoying the scene with Senor. If you are a Spreadhead looking for WSP setlists and show reviews... then visit the Tao of Pauly. That's where I'll post that stuff over the next few days.

I guess I'm on a mini-hiatus. I'll be back on Monday for sure. Here's what you can expect next week on the Tao of Poker:

Monday: Existentialist Conversations with Strippers - Part II
Tuesday: IPSOOMA Post
Wednesday: Hump Day Pimp Day
Thursday: Reader Mail
Friday: Week in Review

Wait, I know what you are thinking, "Pauly, WTF is IPSOOMA?" Simply put, it's an acronym for... I'll pull something out of my ass. And yes, I'll finally post Part II of Pauly, Senor, and Grubby's stripper hijinks from last month in Vegas. I'll be back. Good luck at the tables.

Poker Book of the Month: Harrington on Hold'em


A glimpse at my poker library
If you are not reading poker books, then please let me know, so I can play at your table. I'd rather play against a bunch of newbie hispters educated from cable TV. You know they are the ones who are mindlessly tutored by Phil Gordon's pearls of wisdom in numerous episodes of Celebrity Poker Letdown. They also take the words of Vince Van Patten to heart as they are sliding on their designer sunglasses after saddling up to a $3/6 limit table at one of the underground clubs here in NYC. Nothing against VVP. He's the man in my eyes. He coined the phrase The Hilton Sisters and gets more poontang on an Sunday afternoon than Wilt Chamberlin did on a three game roadtrip. But let's put it this way... if your head is full of more Vince Van Patten quotes more than David Sklansky quotes... then please! Please! Please! Invite me to your home game.

I was reworking the FAQs section on this site over the weekend. I fixed up the Poker Books section. You can check out random books that I recommend you should read. That's when I came up with an idea. Actually it was an old idea. I finally got off my ass to do something about it.

So welcome to my first of many future Poker Book of the Month posts. This month's featured book is something for advanced players who are serious about improving their tournament play. Harrington on Hold'em: Expert Strategy for No-Limit Tournaments is written by Dan Harrington.




Dan Harrington one of the most consistent players on the tournament circuit today. He is a World Series of Poker Champion and has back-to-back final table appearances at the main event at the WSoP over the last two years. I'm not going to bother you with a complete review of this book, mainly because I am lazy and I'm short on time. What I will tell you is that his book is kick ass for several reasons.

Each chapter concludes with a set of problems related to the material he just covered. Some of his examples are actual hands that happened during his experiences at the World Series of Poker. These problems are an excellent way to sharpen your skills and I suggest you read them over the night before a big tournament.

Harrington gets very specific with his different set of problems citing instances that you will definitely face in a tournament such as the dangers of flopping a medium pair and using a raise to eliminate positional disadvantage.

I loved his discussion of his concept of The Hammer. No, he's not a Grubby disciple wielding 2-7o like a drunken hooligan at a Irish football match. He defines The Hammer as an effective tool in playing against super-aggressive players. You can't miss that.

Here's an excerpt of some basic Harrington Poker Philosophy:

You'll have to learn how to play what I call a balanced strategy. Simply put, this means that you have to learn to vary both your raises and your calls, as well as the actual size of your bets, to avoid giving your opponents a read on your style. You'll have to do this even when you believe that a certain bet is clearly correct. What you sacrifice in terms of making a slightly incorrect bet on a given occasion will be recovered later, when your opponents have to guess at what you're really doing, and they guess wrong. (Harrington, p. 52)

Pot odds are paramount. Like all gamblers and investors, a no-limit hold'em player is constantly trying to make good bets at favorable odds. Calculating pot odds must be automatic and routine. (Harrington, p. 375)

That's all I have to say about this great book. If you regularly play tournaments and do not own a copy of Dan Harrington's book... then what are you waiting for?

Bloggers at the WSoP and The Hammer!

Iggy announced a new tournament, a WPBT WSoP Satellite for the $1500 NL event, which will take place on June 3rd at the Rio in Las Vegas. I could buy-in directly to the event but here's my shot at getting in a lot cheaper.

What: No Limit Satellite for the $1500 WSoP Event
When: Sunday April 24th
Time: 7pm EST
Where: Poker Stars
Buy in: $30 + $3
Restrictions: Bloggers only
Password: E-mail Iggy for specifics
Attire: Uber-casual with pants optional

Participants will not be awarded points towards the WPBT Leaderboard. There might be a second tournament if there is enough interest. I hope we can get 75 bloggers for this!

In other news...

AlCantHang placed in an Omaha 8 MTT on Poker Stars. I'm very impressed with his exploits. I sweated Felicia too for a while in two different MTTs on Saturday.

Sunday night, BG took 5th in a Party Poker free roll. The Bobby Flay of poker bloggers finally made a final table in a huge MTT. Good work, dude. Not too bad for a "nickel and dimer."

Also on Sunday, Joanne outlasted exactly 3737 people in 2 different MTT on Poker Stars to make the money and only have $3.19 to show for it! Good grief. Still, she gets props for grinding away on both, back to back.

-EV has his AC trip report posted. Excellent write up.

The Poker Geek has a two parter posted. Chris and Andy's Bogus Journey - Part 2 is up and make sure you read Part I.

I hate to point out this post (actually AlCantHang told me about it) but stop by 50 Outs and tell Jan to "hang in there." He had a rough Vegas trip. If you have a weak stomach, then avoid reading his post. I admire the courage it took not only to write, but to also publish that trip report. I've watched Jan play on Party Poker and he's one amazing player. He'll turn it around before the World Series of Poker. He already won a seat to the WSoP via Poker Stars if you didn't know. I hope to be interviewing him (and his wife Katja) at the final table of one of the WSoP events. Anyway, stay focused and play like the excellent player that you are, Jan, and things will work out.


Click to enlarge. Note: Look at Iggy's stack!
I forgot to tell ya that I dropped the Hammer and won with a full boat at a blogger table from this past weekend on Empire. Since it was at a micro limit table... the feat, in my mind, is bigger than at a NL table where you can raise a lot more preflop!

I'm about 110 hands away from clearing my bonus on Empire Poker. I was up over $320, but dropped $100 this morning. Let's hope I can clear it sometime today and walk away with a profit!

Monday Musings: Radio Free Pauly and Other Weekend Crapola


On Saturday I taped my first segment with Lord Admiral Card Club Radio Show. Sean is a poker player from Toronto, Canada and he's the host of a podcast weekly radio program. He interviewed me for 15 minutes and we chatted about some random topics including my recent gig covering the World Series of Poker for Lasvegasvegas.com and Poker Player Newspaper. In June, I will be on his show every week giving live updates of the World Series.

You can download this week's show in MP3 format: here. (I suggest you right click and save as to your hard drive.)

Or visit this link for more information and to read the show notes. This episode is about an hour long and my segment is about 11+ minutes. It starts at roughly 42:00 minutes into the show in case you wanted to skip over the other stuff. However, I recommend you listen to the entire show at some point. Also in the show is an interview with the Poker Prof. They also discuss Poker Tracker Guide, and select The Cards Speak as their Blog of the Week.

Thanks again to Sean for having me. And I know, I say the word and a lot.

Weekend Warrior

Anyway, I played a lot of online poker this weekend on Empire Poker. I was trying to clear a bonus and I had to play 1050 raked hands of poker in order to qualify for free cashola. I cranked out over 700 hands and my neck was killing me! I got to play online with some friends on Saturday night... and they live all over the place... DC, Philly and the surrounding area, Oklahoma, Michigan, Cincinnati, and even Calgary... the one in Canada.

I also played with Mr. Decker yesterday! He rules. He's on the top of my list of Bloggers Who I Wished Blogged More. He can sit at my table anyday. Yesterday, he randomly sat down. He didn't know my Empire screen name so I had to tell him it was in fact, really me. He cracked Hilton Sisters twice in ten minutes. Amazing.

Derek went out of town and up to Maine for a few days. I loaned him my digital camera. He should be posting some pics soon.

On Friday night, Briana, Jenna, and I attended a small cocktail party that Briana's cousin threw with one of her co-workers. Nothing is more fun (can you sense the seething sarcasm?) than being in a room with drunk hipsters grabbing their cellphones whenever they heard a ring similar to their tone, like Pavlov's frothing dog. The other half were liquored up publishing/media types. Even worse. If there ever was a night that I wish I shot heroin... it was Friday night.

The conversation picked up a bit, from mundane to excruciating, when a flurry of people came over to me the moment they found out I played poker. Briana's cousin mistakenly told them that I would be "announcing the World Series of Poker." I dunno if she was drunk on overpriced wine, socially retarded, or trying to impress he peers and party guests with inflating the significance of my new job in Las Vegas. At any rate, I was there to spend time with Briana and Jenna and have fun and most importantly... not to think about poker.

After my eyes were handcuffed to the computer screen seeing flops for four straight hours, I simply wanted to get away from it all and talk about stupid faux-intellectual crapola like Terry Shavio, or everyone's disdain for the Bush Junta, or whether or not Britney Spears is pregnant. Instead, I had a dozen or so soused poker newbies lining up to ask me annoying questions. I never wanted to avoid poker talk more than that moment.

On Saturday night I ventured downtown after Midnight to have a drink and then watch a movie with Briana. We watched Sky Captain mainly because she's in love with Jude Law, I'm in love with Gwyneth Paltrow, and we both want to fuck Angelina Jolie. As I exited the subway on 96th Street, a couple of NYC finest undercover cops were arresting two young thugs for stealing an iPod or a purse. One kid was terrified and looked like he shit in his pants. While the other was trying to give off that "tough look." I wasn't buying it. You could still see the fear in his eyes. He had an awful poker face. Enjoy Rikers, kiddo.

The rest of my weekend involved writing and witnessing the Yankees get whooped by the lowly Orioles and watching golf on TV. Tiger Woods shredded the course on Saturday and Sunday morning. He looked like old form and dominated everyone in his path. Late Sunday afternoon, he made the shot of a lifetime, but blew the lead and a playoff was forced with Chris DiMarco. He ended up winning on the first playoff hole to snag another Green Jacket and his fourth Masters championship.

Big week ahead. I have two more articles to write, more hands to play on Empire Poker, a new issue of Truckin to edit, and Widespread Panic (and Senor) comes to town on Thursday. Fun week, indeed.