Top 10 Tips on Surviving Las Vegas

Well we're close. I'm 12 days away from my arrival in Las Vegas. This entry is devoted to bloggers who will be heading to Vegas, especially for you Vegas virgins. So let's get to it.

Pauly's Top 10 Tips on Surviving Vegas:
1. Cut back on sleep immediately.
2. Sip, don't chug.
3. Water is your friend.
4. Bring a cell phone charger.
5. Take pictures.
6. Ask before you post pictures on the internet.
7. Speak your mind and stay in the moment.
8. Table image is a factor in real life.
9. Don't be Gigli.
10. Never underestimate the importance of a $20 tip.

And now I'll go into specific details. Feel free to print this up and hand out copies to your entourage.

1. Cut back on sleep immediately.

As of right now, cut back on your sleep by 30 minutes every other night. Inside of two weeks, you'll be down to about 3.5 hours of sleep per night. The average Las Vegas visitor gets around 3 hours of sleep and the average poker blogger gets substantially a lot less. Cutting back on sleep is an easy way to get adjusted to sleep deprivation by following my simple routine. Seriously, if you are used to getting 8 or more hours per night, you're in trouble, I'd cut back 30 minutes everyday between now and Vegas.

2. Sip, don't chug.

Pace yourself with your alcohol consumption. Al Cant Hang is a machine. His blood type is 180 Proof. He's not human. I suspect he's really an alien. There are also a few bloggers who are veteran alcoholics. Don't succumb to the frission of being in a room with all your favorite bloggers and foolishly attempt to keep up. If you do, you'll end up clutching the porcelain God at 4am wondering why the hell that cab driver punched you out after you yaked up your dinner and a half a bottle of Southern Comfort in his back seat. Surviving the Sherwood Forest bar at 9am on the morning of the blogger tournament was a moment I'll never forget. It's a badge of courage like a soldier who managed to get through D-Day without a scratch. I'm glad that we made it through an entire weekend of partying in Vegas last December without anyone getting their stomachs pumped at the hospital or landing themselves in the drunk tank at the Clark County jail. Let's keep it that way. Slow and steady wins the race.

3. Water is your friend.

Las Vegas is in the middle of the fuckin' desert. Drink water. Lots of it. I used to try to drink one glass of water per alcoholic beverage consumed. In Vegas I do my best to double that amount. Sure, I'm pissing every eight minutes, but you're head will thank you the next day when you're experiencing a hangover-free morning. I think one of my biggest expenses in Vegas is my water tab, well that and trips to strip clubs with Grubby.

4. Bring a cell phone charger.

Don't forget one. Since you will be staying up from anywhere from 20-36 hours straight, you might want to make sure your cell is charged before you begin your gambling session. With bloggers in town, having a phone will be necessary to arrange meetings or if you need someone to post bail money. Besides, you should throw your loved ones at home a bone every 12 hours and send them a drunken text message or get someone on the horn for a Dial-a-Shot. When you are sleeping, charge up your phone during the few hours that you're crashed out.

5. Take pictures.

Come on, I know you geeky bloggers can't wait to spice up your Vegas trip reports with pictures. I encourage it, especially if you have never been to Vegas before. Don't be afraid to go camera happy and take more pictures than a menagerie of Osaka businessmen. Bring a camera, even if it's one of those disposable ones for $7. You have to leave Vegas with at least one good story and at least one good picture.

6. Ask before you post pictures on the internet.

If you are a person who thinks they look awful in photos or is just camera shy or they want to keep their identity a secret, then by all means please tell everyone now. Conversely, if you are going to post pictures of bloggers, make sure you get their consent. I know this shouldn't be a problem for me. My ugly mug is all over the internet. I'm encouraging my fellow bloggers to snap more photos of me so I have a better sample to pick from. For fuck's sake, I'm going to puke up cat testicles if I have to see the same fuckin' photo of me and Max Pescatori from Sam's Town. Max is a cool guy, but I'm positive when I die, some two bit rag is going to run that stock footage of me at the first WPBT gathering. I mean how many times did I see that variations of that photo on twenty different blogs? And no, I will not be wearing that pestiferous shirt in Vegas.

7. Speak your mind and stay in the moment.

I never got to really hang out with Bill Rini last time. That was one of my regrets... not making enough time for everyone. I simply assumed that I'll have time later in the trip to shoot the shit and play cards with Bill. That never happened. Don't make that crucial mistake. If you have the chance to talk to someone, take advantage of that opportunity. If you see Iggy at the pisser, seize the moment to talk shop with him. You never know what might happen during your time in Vegas. With such a big group, you won't have time for "quality one-on-one time" so whenever you cross paths with a fellow blogger, whether it's Otis sitting by himself at the Pai Gow table at 4am or running into Bad Blood at the Bellagio at 2am... stop by and shoot the shit. You won't regret it.

And don't feel shy or intimidated about saying what you want to me or anybody else. Our time is limited, so speak up! If you want to ask me questions, feel free. If you want blogging advice, just ask. If you want to buy me a drink, let's do it. If you want to go to strip clubs, then hold on a second and let me call Grubby.

8. Table image is a factor in real life.

A lot of us play the majority of our poker online. Some of you haven't played extensively in casinos, so here's my quick tip... image is important. How do you want to be portrayed? Like a dipshit tourist from Hootersville, Kentucky who's playing poker for the first time? Or a punk-ass kid with wraparound sunglasses at a low limit table who watches too much WPT? Or do you want to blend in and become a blur to your table mates? I usually cut my vocabulary in half and talk about topics like Celebrity Poker Showdown. I make sure I drink heavily in front of them, refer to women as "broads" and play one really awful hand in the first orbit that I showdown to the river. Too bad that I'm just being myself.

9. Don't be Gigli.

Wow, Bill Rini got two shout outs in this post. Hey Bill! If you don't know Bill was the first blogger knocked out in December's tournament. He was awarded the infamous Gigli DVD for coming in last place. I bought a new copy of Gigli (how sad is it when the postage costs more than the actual DVD?) which I will be giving to the first blogger out of the Aladdin tournament. Will it be you? And rest assured I will torment you for the rest of the year with chants of "Gigli! Gigli!" in your chatbox every time you play on Party Poker.

10. Never underestimate the importance of a $20 tip.

Do you wanna get shit done in Vegas? Tip the hell out of every person you see. I'm from New York City and we tip everyone. In a town like Vegas, most of the people working in the service industry are not paid extravagantly. They rely on tips to supplement their wages. You would be surprised how much attention you can get with a simple $20 tip. Heck that's like one big bet for some of you.

Example #1: I call this move The Grubbette. When you check into a hotel and they ask for your credit card, carefully place a folded up $20 bill underneath your card. As the front desk person is picking up the cash and card, quickly ask them if they can bump you up to a better room. It never fails. But then again, Grubbette is a lot cuter than me!

Example #2: Last time I was in Vegas, when I called around to find a reservation for dinner on Easter Sunday, I found out that every place was booked. Grubby, Senor and I made plans to meet Flip Chip and Poker Prof at Ceaser's Palace. I decided to pop into Palm to see if they had any open tables. The hostess checked her reservations book and said she didn't have any open spots for us. When I spotted two open tables, I slipped her $20 and said "Did anyone every tell ya that you have beautiful eyes? By the way, can you check again? That's Dr. Pauly, for a party of five." We were seated within five minutes.

There is only one instance where I will tell you to save your tips... and that's in a strip club. Never, under any circumstances give a stripper a tip. If I find out you did, I will smack you personally.

***** *****

Ok that's it for now. Those were my half-baked ideas on how to survive Las Vegas. If you can remember half of these, then you should make it home in one piece. Have a great weekend. 12 days and counting....